she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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