I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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