new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize