dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
