I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
