I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize