I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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