I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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