Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
