She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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