He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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