The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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