I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
