my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I need to align my fucking chakras
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
