i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize