I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
