when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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