When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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