so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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