the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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