i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
