Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize