so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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