I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
