Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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