I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
