New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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