I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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