Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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