There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
