its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
