Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
