I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize