On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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