I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize