is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
