Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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