:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
