I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
