My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
