i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
