Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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