Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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