You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize