Already got asked if we're dating
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
