omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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