I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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