Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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