I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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