new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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