U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
This is classic penis vs brain.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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