I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
