I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
