White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
