hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
