she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
