so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
