I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
