he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
