"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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